Two things about Three things

Three things:
1)I am heading to the garden state dirty Jerzee yet again this weekend.
2) I'm not happy about it because I hate the armpit hellhole that I spawn from and
3) it will be the last time I see my beloved little brother, Zabumafu, until I visit him in Tokyo this summer. Zsa zsa has insisted on throwing him "a Bon Voyaggge party daaarling" this weekend, hence my trip up north.

Two things:
1)I think a proper send off includes allowing the rugrat to guest post on here one more time since (based on many comments and emails) ya'll seem to find him as entertaining and humorous as I do.
2)Following this guest post, the life of Mb will be outgrowing some construction--blogger plastic surgery if you will. Or maybe just a badass haircut. Purple streaks et. al. I've been rocking this black minima template scheme since the blog was born back in 2006. With "change" being the battle cry and anthem of 'oh nine' I'm gonna get with the program and sexify my template.

Later, bbs. I now give you Zab's guest spot "7 ppls on notice."

I meant to post this much earlier in the year, but recent transpiring events have helped shape and expand this list into what it is today. We are three months in 2009, and while we all have our own little aspirations and goals for the year, these higher-profile people—actors, musicians, athletes—should make 2009 their best year in recent memory. Time to shape up or ship out, here are 7 people on notice in 2009:


#7
Brett Favre
It might be strange to see Brett Favre on this list because he has been so active for the past seventeen years. After a messy divorce from the Green Bay Packers in 2008, Brett Favre decided to willingly tarnish his legacy by joining the New York Jets, who missed the playoffs this year due to Favre’s erratic play (saboteur?). Favre objected to staying retired in 2008 by declining a $20 million offer by the Packers to stay retired. I repeat: he was offered $20 million to NOT play football. I wish somebody would pay me $20 million to not play football; I’d be great at it. Brett justified his answer by saying, “It’s not about money.” Really? So all the incentives in the Jets clubhouse, jersey deals, and having the moniker Broadway Brett didn’t factor in your decision. He was front and center in the greatest sports city in the world, received preferential treatment, and he still didn’t deliver.

Last month, Brett made the wise decision to retire (again). Brett, you are on notice, to stay the fuck retired. That means no TV deals, no “scratching the itch” to play, and no more fucking Wrangler jeans ads. Hopefully last season didn’t damage your reputation enough to remove you as a first-ballot hall of famer. For sixteen years you provided a great service to the Packers, but when you single-handedly provide the biggest distraction in the franchise’s history, as well as damaging your legacy, you officially need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.


#6
Kanye West
The first of two musicians on the list, Kanye West had a successful 2008: he released a popular robot album, was nominated for some grammies, and was accused of starring in bisexual porn. His twitter is consistently entertaining, and even though he is probably one of the biggest douchebags in the music industry, you still sympathize with him. My biggest problem with Kanye’s newest album “808s and Heartbreaks” is how forced and not genuine it is. He wanted it to be an emotional breakthrough, so people could see another side of Kanye and his struggles with success (*Mb’s commentary: A Phil Collin’s album if you will). If you want to craft a raw, emotional album that shows the vulnerable side of you, don’t use fucking autotune on the album. You can’t sing-- deal with it; Conor Oberst does. By leaking demos of tracks that would appear on the album, West displayed false advertising; the club-thumper “Love Lockdown” is flat and off-key live, and he generally embarrasses himself trying to play anything off 808s live. In my mind, Kanye’s greatest success in 2008 was “Shoot Me Down”, a track he produced for Lil Wayne’s “Tha Carter III”.

So Mr. West, in 2009, please get back to what you do best: producing. Lord knows Lil Wayne releases something every couple of days, why don’t you piggyback onto his success? Or maybe you could produce an album for yourself? Ya know, one that is good, like “College Dropout” or “Late Registration”. We appreciate you showing the world another side of you, but perhaps that is better left for your twitter or blog. That way we can learn about your affection for Phil Collins without having to deal with a whole album of you recreating “In the Air Tonight” (night…night… Oh Lord… Lord…Lord).


#5
Edward Norton
Oh Edward Norton, one of my favorite actors of this generation, how far you have fallen. You gave a memorable performance in “The 25th Hour”, took roids to beef up for your role in the excellent “American History X”, and showed your lighter side in the under-appreciated “Death to Smoochy”. What have you done since then? “The Hulk”? Really? Well maybe that was just a one-off, a little hiccup scratch on the vinyl of awesome that is your resume. They can’t possibly make another awful film by stretching out this paper thin premise over two hours. Wait. Fuck.

Edward Norton would still be one of my favorite actors because everything I can remember in recent memory has been pure gold. Then I looked up his filmography, saw that the last worthwhile thing he did “The 25th Hour” was all the way back in 2002. Please release something good, Ed, lest we remember you for something good instead of your faux mustache from “The Italian Job”.


#4
Lil Wayne
Lil Wayne had an incredibly successful 2008: although he releases nearly 100 tracks every year through mixtapes and collaborations, it’s been three years since he released a proper album. With “Tha Carter III” Lil Wayne reached his 2008 peak…in June. The rest of the year, not so much. He released the mixtape “Tha Dedication 3”, in which Lil Wayne did his best Lil Wayne-parody impersonation, and he might get 20 years for a gun possession charge. Sure his start to 2009 was pretty good since he won 4 Grammies, but those are mostly accolades for his work from 2008.

“Tha Dedication 3” was a blemish on his stellar mixtape track record, and this gun charge certainly doesn’t help matters. If he can’t find a way to escape his indictment, this will be the last thing he releases. Yikes, Lil Wayne. “Prom Queen” might be music’s greatest practical joke, but a whole album’s worth is too far. Combining the nu-metal work of Limp Bizkit with the ghetto emo-rap of, well, Limp Bizkit is something that should never be done. Essentially, you are now Limp Bizkit. Plus naming the album “The Rebirth” makes it seem as this album is his second coming. No, it’s not. It’s his second going. Mr. Carter: do not release this album. And if you do, release a good mixtape or proper album so we can be sure you can still make music. You can still be funny without being ironic, like rhyming “yeast infection” with “geese erection”.


#3
Tiger Woods
It’s scary how much Tiger Woods has dominated in his relatively short career. He’s only in his mid 30’s, and he’s universally regarded as the best of all time. He’s also increased golf’s profile and made it a legitimately entertaining sport. I remember working at Universal Records in June and having the gamecast of his playoff match up on my computer wondering if he would pull off a miraculous win, and he did. If he is so amazing, why did he have to go to a playoff with a relatively unknown player? Well Tiger Woods had to win the US Open on a broken fucking leg. That’s right, Tiger with one leg is better at golf—a sport you typically need two legs for—than everyone else with their bodies intact. This takes that Lance Armstrong has one-ball thing to a whole new level. Woods had reconstructive surgery to repair his leg, but many wonder how good his game will be post-surgery.

I’m sorry but if Tiger can beat you on one leg, he can beat you with super bionic-man legs too, even if it takes some getting used. After taking [only] six months to recover, he returned this past week in the Trust Open, where he faced opponents in match play. His first two holes? Birdie-fucking-eagle. I think he’s all right. Sure he ended up losing in the second round, but he’s still just getting back into the game. This was just a tune up for the Masters later in the spring. Tiger, you’re on notice to rape the golf world. Again.


#2
Alex Rodriguez
The Yankees were supposed to have a prosperous off season: they signed Brewers ace C.C. Sabathia, Toronto young gun A.J. Burnett, and Angels slugger Mark Texeira. The Yankees were to buy their way to the World Series. Then former manager Joe Torre released a book that told of tensions in the clubhouse. Then Alex Rodriguez was in a steroids scandal. Now the Yankees look like the most dysfunctional sports franchise in New York (well, second most, next to the Knicks). I always love to see people who think they’re hot shit get their comeuppance, and A-Rod has spun some pretty entertaining nicknames—A-Fraud and A-Roids—but this guy is genuinely talented. Probably the greatest offense in this mess was his joke of a press conference, in which he appeared fake and not sorry for the mess.

A-Rod’s in a really tricky situation. He needs to perform to appease his fans. His first appearance in a preseason spring training game was met with boos from the crowd. He was walked. His next at bat? Home run. That’s a good start, but it doesn’t help the fact that he might still be juicin’. A-Rod is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn’t. New York is a very critical place, and he not only needs to rack in the numbers—like he did during his 2007 MVP season—but he needs to work on bringing back the trust of his fans. And that still might not be enough. Many think he will be disqualified from the Hall of Fame, and even Obama said he “tarnished an entire generation”. Ouch. There isn’t much he can do besides be as honest as he can with the organization and fans. Then and only then can A-Rod salvage 2009. How ‘bout getting the Yanks to the World Series for fucking once?


#1
Barack Obama
Is there any doubt this guy isn’t number one? He’s inheriting the biggest mess out of anyone on this list, and, when compared to Obama, the exploits of Favre, West, Norton, Lil Wayne, Tiger, and A-Rod are pretty trivial. Not only does this man have to live up to lofty expectations, his detractors are many and numerous. Nevertheless, there isn’t anyone more capable to handle any situation—the economic crisis, the situation in Iraq, or getting a college football playoff—than Barack Obama.

My voting for him didn’t come down to his credentials—he’s young and ideal, perhaps to a fault—but he clearly has the ability to bring powerful individuals together to craft something that is greater than the sum of the entire Cabinet. Isn’t it going to be nice to not have someone in the Cabinet resign every year? Is no one else looking forward to that? Isn’t it going to be great to be proud of this administration? Obvi Hillz got skillz, and Biden’s foreign policy experience will help smooth over our international reputation, but Obama is the capable leader masterminding everything. It seems as though his detractors seemed to think he was being elected King or something, as if he was doing everything himself. No, he has an even more capable administration backing him. It’s no wonder nearly every news channel is tracking his first hundred days in office, which is exactly what happened to another president. Obama has the biggest task out of anyone on this list, but no one is more equipped to handle it than him.