Gift Day Friday: A Guest Post

My first full day out in Tokyo had me up at 7am, around the city and back by 1am for a short nap, only to go back out at 5am the next day. So obvi, to say I'm tired is an understatement. Thankfully, my girl Buntz came through and typed up an amazing story (with a moral and lesson?) to share while I catch some Zzzzz's. Take it away....
---------------

This is the story about the night I got arrested for stealing my own car. Yes, you heard right, my own car. It all started when I moved to MD from VA and needed to switch over my tags and registration in the process. Unfortunately, Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, my very aptly named station wagon, wasn’t quite up to par with MD inspection standards and I was having some difficulties making the switch. Now obviously common sense says if your car cannot pass inspection in order to be registered perhaps you should not be driving it (for multiple reasons). But hey, I needed to get around and I figured the worst that would happen is I get slapped with a ticket. Alas, this was not the case.

Fast forward to a random Thursday night on which my good friends’ band was playing a show in DC. Jiggs and I, being avid supporters, attend the show and decide afterward to head back to MD for a little after-partying. We’re driving along and not 5 minutes from the DC/MD border I suddenly see flashing lights behind me. I quickly ran through offenses in my head, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong and when I realized I was obeying all traffic laws it hit me – the officer had spotted my expired tags. Ok, don’t panic, I told myself….just explain to the officer the situation and hope for a warning, this isn’t that big of a deal. Officer Unfriendly proceeds to question me while I’m still in the vehicle, looks at the requisite license, registration, and even proof of insurance and then comes back to the window to inform me that, “despite the car being registered in your name, since it is expired we have to treat this as a stolen vehicle.” Obviously my reaction was something of, “say whaaa?” but I regret that I did not have the female instinct to cry. Helpless tears likely would have alleviated the situation but they just wouldn’t come. Shock was the only emotion I could muster.

The next moments consisted of Officer Unfriendly asking me to exit the vehicle and allowing me to watch the numerous other drivers on North Capitol stare at me, legs apart and hands on my vehicle, as I waited for a female cop to come do the honors of searching and handcuffing me. Soon enough the female and her male partner pull up – IN A FREAKING PADDY WAGON. I get searched and cuffed and put in the back of the paddy wagon, where I wait while my entire vehicle is torn apart and searched – and I do mean torn apart. The late-coming officers stood by me, making jokes about how if I was in MD I would’ve simply gotten a fine for the violation and saying things like, “betcha never thought you’d get arrested for this – gotta stay up on your paperwork girl,” while Officer Unfriendly lifted my floor mats and took apart my deodorant to make sure I wasn’t smuggling anything in the stick. After the 30 minute search of my car, of course my bag had to be checked but at least this was run by me first –

Officer Unfriendly: “Do you have any illegal substances in your bag ma’am?”

Me: “No I do not. You can look”

Officer Unfriendly: “OH, I’m going to. I was just asking the question first”

After searching my bag and taking apart a few more items (cell phone, chapstick, wallet, etc.) I was finally shipped off to the precinct while Officer Unfriendly and Jiggs (who yes, by the way, was in the passenger seat of my car for the duration of this arrest) took care of getting my car off the street. I was greeted at the precinct with even more jokes as the female officer who came to un-cuff me sauntered into the room exclaiming, “I heard you got searched REAAAAL good!” The next several hours was pretty much what you’d expect – I went through the rigmarole of getting prints and mug shots done and then spent a few hours laying on a metal bed listening to the drunkard in the cell next to me ask “does anyone know what time it is?” approximately every 3 minutes. On the bright side, one of the officers was nice enough to sanitize the tiny metal toilet, which I suppose made the awkwardly public and degrading act of urinating in a jail cell slightly better.

Given the fact that they didn’t press further charges and the ordeal was put behind me after one night in jail and $50 in bail money, I can look back at this story with amusement and I think it teaches us all a few lessons:

1. Being poor sucks. I’m not joking here – this was actually a good lesson for me – everyone and every bad situation has a back story. We are all victims of our circumstances. If I had been able to afford to fix my car so that it would pass MD inspection, I would never have been in this predicament. This is just one example of how one setback often brings about many others (and this arrest wasn’t the only time Shitty Shitty Bang Bang cost me time and money). I’m now more sympathetic to all the barriers set in front of people who can’t easily afford the things we so often take for granted after seeing just a glimpse of the snowball effect this can have.

2. DC police suck. Being an “innocent” white girl from an upper middle class suburb, I was always more or less indifferent to the police. They’re just doing their job. Well now I beg to differ. In the city of Washington f*cking DC don’t you think you should be focusing on shootings, stabbings, gang violence, prostitution, real car theft, or any other number of things instead of spending HOURS arresting lil’ ol’ me?

3. Jiggs is the bomb. This girl had her perfectly good night interrupted because of my negligence and still waited around to bail me out of jail.

TMI: Tokyo toilets

Even tho I'm wayyyy across the Pacific, I still stole a moment for a TMI post, inspired from my travels.


I heart Tokyo. Especially its funky lights, crazy signs, and funky crazy people. But about those signs....


When KtMac and I stepped off the plane, we bolted to the rest room. Fourteen hours of travels does wonders to ones body, and it was a relief to find a normal sized bathroom once we were in the airport. Until I saw this sign:



I kept my comments to myself, but I couldn't help giggling over the second image, mostly because it wasn't posted on every stall door, only the one that I was in. I assumed that this was the way to designate that this toilet can handle....well, number 2 if you know what I mean. I thought this was the sign for poo.

Later, after meeting up with Zab and checking into our hotel room, we all headed to dinner in the famous district of Harajuku (hello kitty). As we were enjoying our curry, I brought up the topic of the bathroom sign and said that I thought it was funny that they posted, so bluntly, a poo poo image.

Both my brother and KtMac hung their heads in shame. "Mb, that's the sign of a bidet."

LOLs imagine my red face after that. Especially when my Euro parents actually have a bidet in their home.

Anyway, what I REALLY love about Tokyo is that we can have these conversations, and say words like "poop" and "constipation" without anyone taking notice. No inside voice for me while I'm here.

That's all for now. For more poo-y humor, visit LiLu's pad.

Artist of the Week (week 88)

Finally landed in Tokyo and able to access internet. I swear, walking around the streets, with this tune in my head is unreal. Enjoy "Discovery," this week's AotW.

Ask about my ninja scream.

SuziQ, Captain, and I had to dinner tonight in late celebration of a successful date auction. Our gift certificate to Policy covered $100 of booze and cuisine. Not too bad if you ask me.

Naturally, because I'm leaving for Tokyo tomorrow morning (ZOMG!!), we talked about my impending trip. I told them that the one thing I'm looking forward to most is seeing my brother, Zabumafu. Bbs, to know Zab is to love him. He's six feet five inches of sugar, sass, and sarcasm. I never laugh as hard as I do when I'm with my brother, and I honestly hope that in another life I'd be fortunate enough to befriend him if we weren't related.

As conversation continued, I shared stories that Zab passed on to me from Tokyo. One of my favorites centered around a night in Shinjuku, a ward of Tokyo known for extravagant night life and loud displays of debauchery-- I mean c'mon there's a place called Shomben Yokocho which translates to mean "Piss Alley." On this particular night, Zab led a crowd of onlookers down the street, marching to the tunes of an acoustic guitar that he strummed. Now, if you know me, you know that my memory occasionally often fails me. So I referred to Zab as the "Rat Piper" for musically seducing a crowd of strangers.

SuziQ and Captain stared at me in blank confusion. "Don't you mean the Pied Piper?" asked SuziQ.

To which Captain replied, "Didn't he lead snakes with the pipe tho?"

"No," SuziQ says. "I think it was children."

Captain raises and eyebrow. "Like a molester?"

And there you have it loves. My memory is not the only challenged one in my group of friends. And thus, I feel better about myself.

I'm off to Tokyo in a few short hours. But fret not. I have a line up a few guest bloggers as well as a handful of drafted stories. And of course I'm looking forward to updating you as I enjoy my travels. Don't miss me too much. I'll be back before you can say Sayonara, or belt out a crazy ninja scream..... biiiiyyyyahhhhhhh!

Stop looking at me swan. Have another Corona.

On Sunday, I finally had the opportunity to check out the rumored pool party at the Capitol Skyline Hotel in SW, DC. A $10 cover gets you a famous Good Stuff Eatery burger during your poolside visit. And the drinks are not only cheap but STRONG.

But my favorite part??

thirsty swan


The inflatable objects thrown into the pool by management!! Loves it.

Of course the Real World DC cast showed up around 3pm. As for the answer to my question, what would Mb do when the RW camera crew crashes an event....I promptly left once a cast member started free-styling lyrics over a microphone. It was fun while it lasted.

Gift Day Friday: 3 unrelated things

Sometimes my posts have no relevance, and I wind up talking about three unrelated things. Today is one of those posts, either because I am a) horribly lazy and uncreative or b) had the most ridiculous Thursday night that is begging for a recap. You pick.

Gift 1: Remember when I auctioned off a date with my friend?
SuziQ was in a date auction last month. And as good friends, Captain (SuziQ's coworker) and I bought her. But then, we realized we paid too much. And conveniently a little sprite of a man (this could be entirely untrue, but I prefer this mental image) agreed to buy her from us. So then we schemed the idea of spying on their date, which was a mega mega turbo mega awesome idea until yesterday, which so happened to be day of the date. Originally, Captain and I planned to observe SuziQ's date at Lauriol Plaza. Buntz, also believing this was a superb idea, decided she would join us. As we got ready to crash the date, we suddenly found our morals. What if the sprite-man recognized us? Did he deserve such embarrassment? He paid good money for our SuziQ, and she is wonderful company. We changed plans last minute and decided that a few cases of beer, pizza, and video games would prove to be equally entertaining and far less douche-y. I placed a called to one of my favorite partners in crime, Danny Dater, who met us back at my apartment to join the fun. The gifting continued...

Gift #2: My Christmas Gift
You may recall that for Jesus's birthday, the Shoe-minator gave me a wii, because I was a good girl and deserved it or because it was the only thing I insisted that I wanted. Again, you pick. The wii has provided countless hours of entertainment, from Sunday Funday tennis tournaments to midweek bowling championships. Recently I purchased Rayman's Raving Rabbids, which means that I lose about three extra hours of sleep each night and have obsessive dreams about rabid zoo animals throwing plungers at me. Whatever. It's worth it.

I have talked a big game about Raving Rabbids, and now I had the chance to show it off. As Captain, Buntz, and Danny Dater cracked open a few beers, I began to explain the concept of Rayman and demonstrate a few games. Naturally, everyone took a try at controller, but it was Danny Dater who really took the spotlight. Apparently? He's a mother-effing savant when it comes to video games. And man is he competitive. Danny Dater sat in front of the TV for 3 hours straight, beating level after level of Rayman. Even weirder- Buntz, Captain, and I looked on with amazement, cheering him on like a teen fan club.

Now as you know, Danny Dater does not exhibit emotion. He is unattached. Cool as a cucumber. Patrick Bateman, even. So to see this man getting choked up and frustrated over losing is quite honestly the funniest thing I've seen all week. A gift in itself, almost. I thought D.D. was about to cry tears, beer, and blood when he couldn't maneuver the unidentified blob through a maze much in the fashion of the game Operation. We tried to support him as he struggled to beat certain levels, but most of the time Buntz and I would be cracking up from the ridiculous sound effects that mocked his failures.

Case in point:

object of the game: slap the cavities out of the bunny

and:


object of game: zoom in to find bunny singing off key and slap him

Can you blame us for mimicking the sound affects and dying from uproarious laughter? This leads us to our final gift....


Gift #3: The Gift of Life
Last night it was my neighbor's birthday.

No really. Last night my neighbor gave birth to a baby! How do I know? Well, it's a funny story actually.

As Danny Dater is in the zone, dominating Raving Rabbids, while Captain and Buntz cheer on in amazement, I hear a knock at the door. I opened the door to find a mildly disheveled gentleman. "Hi, I'm Charlie." He says. I live right next door. Immediately I assume we are being to loud and I apologize. But he stops me.

"Actually, you guys are fine. I was just coming over to tell you that my wife is pregnant and is going into labor. We decided to do an at home birthday so WE may be the loud ones later tonight."

My jaw? Dropped! I stuttered out an ummmokaythanxgoodluck before he walked away. In retrospect it was incredibly considerate of him to notify his neighbors of this. But at the time, it was the most random and funniest thing, so naturally I told the gang what happened. Everyone wanted to stick around to hear the birthing when it went down. Buntz claimed it would be an excellent form of birth control.

So there you have it. Three rando gifts. All in one day. Awesome. TGIF, bbs. Have a happy weekend.

Unprofessional Professionals

At work, little is left to the imagination. The frat boys and I speak very bluntly and unfiltered about normal every day bodily functions. We high five a good burp and warn each other of soupy poopy.

Recently, when my boss sent an email to our office chief (in which she copied me, Trunky, and Kimmel) about feeling ill and needing to take time off. You can only imagine the snarky commentary and mockery that followed.


---------------
From: Chico
To: Office Chief
CC: Mb, Trunky, Kimmel

[Office Chief], I have not been feeling well since yesterday. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case I am not in tomorrow.

---------------
From: Kimmel
To: Chico,
CC: Mb, Trunky

Chico, I have not been feeling well since I read your email. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case I'm not in for the rest of the week.

---------------
From: Trunky
To: Chico,
CC: Mb, Kimmel

I feel sick too. I'm leaving right now and I will be sick for the rest of the week, or until it rains and I magically get better (or get anything done around the house)!

---------------
From: Mb
To: Chico,
CC: Trunky, Kimmel

I coincidentally got sick on my birthday with something called twentyfivitis. I imagine I will not recover until my next birthday. Just an FYI.

---------------
From: Kimmel
To: Chico,
CC: Mb, Trunky

You sure that's not called "twentyfiveshotsitis?"

---------------
From: Trunky
To: Chico,
CC: Mb, Kimmel

Chico,

Kimmel and Mb have already left for the day sick and I'm about to walk out the door as well. I had Baja Fresh today for lunch and I'm about to explode! Kimmel vomited in his cube, twice, so he went home to lie out in the sun, I mean rest comfortably. Mb came in drunk, again, so we sent her home as well.

---------------
From: Chico
To: Trunky, Mb, Kimmel

Aren't we all just having so much fun with this...

---------------


Don't you wish you worked with me?

To make your work day more exciting, roll on over to LiLu's land of magic where every Thursday bloggers unite to gross the shiz out of each other.

Alright, alright I give.

My friends have been begging me for a while to get a new phone. Dinosaur. Stone age. Call it what you will. I adore it for it's look and easy to use features. But alas, my phone has outlived it's cellular life and no longer performs like a champ. It is time for an upgrade.

But here's the problem. I'm totally, 100%, mega mega turbo mega technologically challenged. So the only thing I need a phone for is, gasp, actually making phone calls (and text messaging- altho I'm notorious for just calling you back if you text me, sorry). After browsing the verizon wireless website (cause that's my provider, big surprise) I am utterly intimidated by the fancy-shmancyness of the phones, not to mention some of the prices.

So I'm reaching out to you, bbs. Help momma get back in touch with society by picking out my next cell phone:

Samsung Trance, for free

or, Verizon Blitz, for $19.99




Mmmmmkay, let the comments roll....

Artist of the Week (week 87)

Just when you thought RickRollin' had fallen off the radar.....

I got RickRolled. By Kimmel. And in the most amazing way ever. So much so that I had to post the video he sent to me as this week's AotW.

D.I.Y. Iced-coffee

Like some special brand of genius, I decided it would be a great idea to stay up well past my bed time last night so that I could play Rayman's Raving Rabbids on Wii. If you've never played this game then you can't possibly understand the addiction level. There is something intoxicating about these rabid wii characters that throw plungers at you in Bunny Hunt...

and bust serious disco moves in "Shake Your Booty!"


So naturally, I got less than my usual 5 hours of sleep and was dragging harder than RuPaul this morning when my alarm went off. I needed a caffeine fix to get my blood pumping, but unfortunately something tragic happened in my community recently...

The corner cafe closed!

At first I believed it to be a fluke. Maybe they changed their hours of operation? Normally they open at 6am, and while I'm out the door and on my way to the office well before then, I decided to hang around the last few days and go to work a little later in hopes that my tardiness would be justified and awarded with a sweet, delicious, and affordable iced-coffee.

No dice.
They are closed for business.

This is tragic, and blows major yeti testicles because the other iced-coffee options available at 6am are awful. There's the Starbucks at L'enfant Plaza that I can hit up just before catching the bus to work. But for nearly $4 per iced-coffee, I can't afford the daily splurge.

Then there is Au Bon Pain, also at L'enfant Plaza, who's iced-coffee a) tastes like dirty third world children and b) is never ready on time! Honestly, I cannot tell you how many times I've rolled in there at 6:15am with the government rush hour crowd only to be told "2 more minutes" for the iced-coffee. By the time iced-coffee is brought out, I'm 5-10 minutes late for work on account of a second-rate iced-coffee.

So I decided to do a little D.I.Y. this morning. As I peeled myself from the bed I got the smarty idea-- liked spawned from the same brain cells that encouraged me to play 2 hours of Rayman last night-- to go to A.B.P. and order a regular hot coffee. Their hot beverages are tolerable and also more affordable than their Starbuck's counterpart. But! (and here's where the genius comes in) I would also order a large cup of ice cubes (at no extra charge, it turned out), so that when I got to my office, my freshly brewed coffee would be cooled, and I could pour it into the cup of ice cubes.

And voila, D.I.Y. iced-coffee for only $2.08.

Thank you. Thank you. Please hold your applause. You're too kind.

A Jew and a Catholic get married

Sounds like the beginning of a joke, no? It's actually the reason for my Friday departure to Maine where Shoe and I attended the wedding of his roommate (the Jewish half of the equation).

We-- the travel group included Shoe, his other roommate (aka Fivel), DJ, and myself-- flew out of BWI on Friday morning, cutting it close to the check-in deadline for our flight. Our bags, mockingly adorned with "Late Check In" tags, ran the risk of arriving on a later flight. Crossed fingers and desperate wishes proved to be effective when our bags were the first on the turn style at baggage claim. We then headed to Thrifty car rental where we picked up the midsized Nissan Sentra that I reserved for the weekend. As the reserver-- reservee, reservist?-- I was condemned to driving for the rest of the weekend.

If you know me you know this means that either:
a) I would have somewhere between 1 to 372 panic attacks while on the road.
b) No longer be able to hide my terrible sense of direction and sheer unability to navigate.
c) Be the victim of relentless mockery from other, more seasoned, drivers.
d) All of the above, countless times, throughout the weekend, amen.

Amazingly enough, I was able to get us to Portsmouth and back without a scratch. In between our arrival and departure, I also successfully drove us to the beach on Friday afternoon, where the bridal party and other guests enjoyed the foggy ocean atmosphere with games of bache ball and ultimate Frisbee. Although I am not the best driver in the world, I'd like to think I can hold my own in bache ball. My brut force and victorious declarations of "Booyah to your balls!!" proved to be a great intimidation factor to my opponents. Anyone looking to get my a Christmas gift? Bache ball set! Right that down.

I also soberly drove us to the bar venue Friday night where the bride and groom hosted out of town guests. It was a good opportunity to mingle with friends and family. Although I stayed fairly alchy-free as the D.D. (don't drink and drive kids) the other cats enjoyed the drink specials. DJ put away a couple of Manhattans. I stole some sips. The bourbon was superb. Of course, a few tasty bevs puts crazy ideas in kids' heads. In a matter of minutes I found myself transported from the bar to a bridge on the border of New Hampshire and Maine, where the groom and his buddies were stripping to jump into the water below. This? was idiotic! And I pleaded with Shoe not to do it. Of course he did anyway, along with seven or so other fools who believed that jumping from 30 feet in the air into and unknown depth of water (possibly filled with rocks, sewage, or a carnivorous lochness monster) the night before their best friend's wedding is the next best form of entertainment. Smart life decisions FAIL. Thankfully, I was wrong for worrying. Everyone who jumped resurfaced safely.

almost nudey jumpers

The next day (Saturday) was the day of the nuptials. It was a fairly lazy day of relaxing and napping, followed by a mad rush to get ready in time for the ceremony. Naturally we missed the shuttle from the hotel in Portsmouth to the wedding venue in Maine, which meant that the following sequence of events occurred:

1. Have hotel receptionist call for cab.
2. Wait half hour for cab.
3. Decide that cab is a no show and take rental car.
4. Make illegal U turn back into hotel parking lot as we see the cab pulling in.
5. Park rental car and flag down cab.
6. Tell cab driver to "please put our your cigarette because we are going to a fancy event, thankssomuch" and get on our way.
7. Ask cab driver to take us back to hotel after he tells us the cab fair will be $50!
8. Get back in rental car and haul motherfreakin booty to the ceremony site because now we are cutting it close.
9. Park car and search for bushes to pop a squat.
10. Casually find seating at the back of the ceremony just minutes before beating the bride down the isle.

The ceremony was beautiful. It tastefully combined Catholic traditions (priest, Bible readings and homily) with Jewish ones (chuppa & breaking of glass). I have never been to Jewish wedding, although it is on my bucket list (along with an Indian wedding). The groom explained that when he stepped on the glass, we should all yell "Mazel tov!" Of course, any time glass broke through the rest of the night (and it did happen on many occassions, as is the case with open bars) a resounding yell of "Mazel tov" was to follow.

erecting the chuppa

The wedding was elegant yet simple. The couple was married on the grounds of a mansion style beach home. It was situated right on the beach and overlooked the New Hampshire landscape. The guests enjoyed a beautifully landscaped back yard, fashioned with a white tent to shelter the tables and dance floor. The most beautiful part of the wedding? The bride, of course. I couldn't get a still shot of her that would do her justice, but here's a reasonable close up of her gown which took my breath away.

beautimous

In my normal awkward and foolish babble, I told her I would buy it from her after the wedding so that I could make pillows. WTF?

Luckily, no amount of Mb-awkwardness could ruin this wedding. The food, the drinks, and the company were amazing. The atmosphere was intoxicating. I was overwhelmed with laughter and tears through the many speeches that were given over the course of the evening. The groom moved us with his kind words about family and friends and how the two words are interchangeable for him. The bride's parents were so poised as they spoke about their truly exceptional daughter. My favorite line was when the bride's mother spoke about the bride's request for silver decorations at the wedding. She claimed her daughter always had an eye for the finest, especially with her selection of silver decor. She said that her daughter found sterling in her groom, which of course resulted in a unified "awwww" from the guests.

a shot of the wedding grounds

Now, as I said before, I've always wanted to go to a Jewish wedding. And while this wasn't a traditional one, certain customs were displayed. Like, for example, this one, which is beyond the greatest thing I've ever witnessed first hand:





The partying seemed to never end. After most guests left on the shuttle back to the hotel, close friends stuck around to watch a slide show of the couple. Then a bonfire was started on the beach where the remaining party go-ers got together to share cigars and sing along to an acoustic guitar.

I wish the bride and groom the best. And I wish more people would get to marrying so that I can enjoy me some more open bars and wedding cake!!

The true definition of a vom bomb

It's been a busy week for me, bbs. And although I had every intention of whipping up a good TMI post last night, my softball game kept me from doing so. Just before taking up position in right field, where the grass smelled like asparagus-piss, I shot Athanasty a text message asking her to type up a quick TMI tale that she shared with me a few months ago. I promise you, this is priceless and most definitely an accurate definition of a vom bomb. Take it away girl.

---------------
From: Athanasty
To: Mb
Subject: the true definition of a vom bomb

When I was a sophomore in high school, my family decided to abandon me for a week and go to Asia (needless to say, I'm still mad they didn't take me along). Obviously, they didn't want to leave their 14 year old at home alone, so it was arranged that I would spend the week at my best friend Fishbaby's house. Best friends since 6th grade, I was excited at the prospect of having a weeklong sleepover. How quickly did that backfire.

One night after dinner, Fishbaby was on the phone with her bf at the time (on speakerphone), and I was just hanging out in her room with her. Fishbaby was taking a sip of water when her boyfriend made a funny joke, and to avoid getting her carpet wet, decided to spit the water out directly into my ear (second best option?). This sent us further into fits of giggles, and as I'm writhing on the floor laughing and trying to get the water out of my ear, I look over at Fishbaby. Standing over me, she starts vomiting from the laughter, landing luckily 6 inches to the right of me. At this point we realize her bf's still on the phone - I immediately hang up with him and run out of the room to avoid vomiting myself. Fishbaby heads to the bathroom to clean up, and as it's almost bedtime, I decide to join her and brush my teeth for bed. Unable to find my toothbrush, I ask her if she's seen it. Our eyes meet in the mirror as she pulls the toothbrush she's using out of your mouth and says, "I think this is yours."
---------------

Spewww, right?

For more vomitotious (or vomilicious, if that's your thing), head over to LiLu's pad, home of naughty, vile, and tummy-turning TMI Thursday tales.

Artist of the Week (week 86)

Before you go up in arms, ranting about how you're over hearing Michael Jackson's music whenever you turn on the radio, tv, or walk into a bar, lemme just say that I --in my little sheltered work environment where I spend 10 hours of my day-- have still not come to terms with his death and have consequently been rocking out to MJ round the clock. His music was the kind that both my parents and I enjoyed together. No joke, when Zsa zsa came to the US, she learned English from watching horror films and by rockin' out to Michael's albums. He's been a part of my life since I began listening to music.

In my final effort to lay the King of Pop to rest I'm posting one of my fave MJ songs for this week's AoTW. I promise I'm not antisemitic (as many thought MJ was when the song first dropped in the 90s). I just digg the beats.

Hair-brained scheme. Fail.

Amazing: Getting the doctor's okay and finally "running" (read: light jog) for the first time in nearly 2 months.

Neat: Running past the Real World DC House at 10pm and seeing the cast on the front steps filming.

Pathetic: Totally vom-bombing during the run and feeling miserable the rest of the night.

This is what happens when you go to Happy Hour and get the genius idea of going on a night run with your roommate. Hair-brained scheme FAIL.

On wrap dresses and drag queens

Let's get right to it, bbs. Cause I know you're dying to know what ridiculous dress concoction I pulled together after winning the travelling dress raffle and eager to find out who the next winner is.

I opted to create my own signature wrap. SuziQ and I experimented with several styles, but ultimately it was one that I tied on a fluke that was most....flattering (?).

The best part of this experience was the opportunity to accessorize uniquely. K recently bought me a bull pin for my birthday which I incorporated into the dress.

Creative, no? Whatever.

The girls and I had planned to check out a new brunch venue. The catch? It was a drag queen brunch, much like the one they host on Sunday's at Perry's in AdMo. We were very excited for the new drag lunch location, and I figured a ridiculous outfit, such as the wrap dress with all it's colorful patterns and glory, would be the perfect thing.

SuziQ was the first to see me in the dress since I met her for the walk over to brunch. She thought it was flattering and un-preggo looking which, if you remember from my earlier post, was difficult to avoid. Win. She also thought the bull pin was a great addition to the dress.

We met Athanasty and Buntz at brunch. They both had similar reactions to SuziQ: surprised that I was able to pull of an un-preggo look and impressed with my use of accessories. I was hoping to get more feedback from the strangers dining at brunch, but the drag queens outfits attracted way more attention than mine (naturally). Regardless, this dress was a fun one to wear for all the pictures we took. See, if you didn't know this about my friends and me-- Drag Queens Love Us!!

No, seriously. Just look at SuziQ playing bff with all the queens.

I nearly died when Lady GaGa's song "Poker Face" came on and a DQ walked out to sing. AHHHmazing!

So fierce.

Brunch was not only wildly entertaining but also delicious. My brie and spinach omlette was top notch. And bottomless mimosas for less than $12 is a hot bargain. So hot, in fact, that I am not going to reveal the location of this brunch cause I wanna keep the scene intimate as I plan to go there once a week. There were less than 30 patrons in the establishment, which meant prime attention by the DQs and food service.

Sorry, loves.

Now on to the raffling. With the help of T-Rex (my dinosuar pinata- yea, I have one, so what?) I selected a name from all the commenters on Fridays post. And the winner is.....drumroll......

M. From DidThatJustHappen.

Congrats to M. Looking forward to seeing what you pull together.

Gift Day Friday: No really, a tangible gift this time!

Back in April, K bought a convertible wrap dress off Ebay. The item description said that the dress could be worn 4,7312.8 different ways, or something like that. Being the thrifty person she is, she made the purchase and then set off an adventure to figure the damn thing out. And an idea was born. This dress would be raffled off to a fellow blogger who would receive it and it's companion instructional DVD, find a look that works for her (or him. No one's judging). The new recipient would wear the dress out and post a review before raffling it off again. Think of it as the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Dress," or some shmick frack like that.

k wearing the traveling dress

PLT was the first winner of the traveling dress and did a mighty fine job sporting it at a BBQ. She then raffled the dress off, and lucky old me won the next round. So here I am on Gift Day Friday, recapping for you the night that I tried to learn how to wrap this dress.

plt doing a twirl to show her style

It all started with the dress, an instructional DVD, and a bottle of wine. Buntz and I arrived at SuziQ's apartment- the venue for our dress wrap tutorial. Because SuziQ bought a similar dress in NYC a year ago, I figured she was the perfect person to assist me in my dress wrapping adventure. And because I needed someone to document the challenge, Buntz joined in the fun.

First we popped in the DVD, and took about 10 minutes just to calm down from all the laughter that resulted from the porno-inspired music playing in the background. Don't believe me? Watch:





M'kay, so. Once the models were done prancing around and showing off the 4,7312.8 ways to wear the dress (and once SuziQ and I had a few glasses of wine under our belts) we began wrapping. Buntz operated the DVD, pausing and dishing out instruction on how to recreate each style. Let's just say I underestimated the level of difficulty for execution.

der, my facial expression could not be more slow

We started simple, trying different strapless style options. These proved to be the easiest, but as SuziQ noted several times- we looked preggo! Like "forshizz up the spout," undeniably preggo. In fact, by the end of our session, SuziQ threw the dress down in defeat, calling it her preggo dress that she will keep on hand for when she starts procreating.

baby bumps

Unhappy with our bulging bellies, we moved onto other styles. Buntz quickly figured out the steps to make various skirt options. She took the reigns and wrapped SuziQ in a long skirt option that seems practicable for beachwear.

buntz- dress wrapping enthusiast circa 2k9

Determined to find a dress option I could reasonable fashion around this city, I eighty-sixed the DVD and attempted my own creations. The most realistic result was actually quite figure flattering, and I will probably default to it for when I debut the dress this weekend.

wtf do i think i am? a model, that's what.

I just gotta be careful of accidental uncontrolled move of my limbs. Otherwise my ninnies might start popping out.

boomshakalaka

The best part about the traveling dress is the quest of learning and mastering a wearable style. The girls and I had a fun time guessing how the women executed each dress option. The bottle of wine and the porno music provided the added entertainment.

So now it's on, bbs. Gift Day Friday- in which you enter a comment below and enter yourself in a chance to win this dress. I will be debuting my fashion this Sunday at Policy's Drag Queen Brunch, after which I will post the reactions to my ensemble and reveal the next winner of the traveling dress (on Monday morning). All you have to do is comment to this post by midnight on Sunday and you too could have the opportunity to jam out to some porn music, wrap yourself up in this colorful piece of fabric, and have a funny story to tell of your own. Contest is not restricted to female candidates-- ahem, I'm talking to you, JFo. You're totally welcome to enter yourself in this raffle and pass the dress on to M so long as she provides an adequate recap. Same goes for other gents. Give the dress to your girl. Or try drag for a night. Totally acceptable.

Good luck to all contestants, and Happy Friday bbs!!

Tainted: One TFLN and Urbandictionary entry at a time.

Don't look up the word felching.

Don't do it! Don't you dare. Even tho I've made is so convenient by linking the definition here.


Ugh, you had to go and do it, didn't you?

How disgusting is this concept? Seriously, how does one gain any pleasure by being a felcher? Or being felched? I'm sure the question you're really dying to ask is, "Mb, how on Buddha's beautiful earth did that word enter your vocabulary?!"

Well I'll tell you, bbs.

Buntz! I blame her and her addiction to TFLN. Because homegirl had to drop by the website. And had to read this recent entry:

(+44): Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,


And she had to go on urbandictionary and look it up.

And, because she was utterly grossed out and apalled (rightly so) she had to share this story with me. And now my life is forever tainted. Ew. Taint. I can't even say that word without squeaming a bit.

For other out-of-left-field, tummy turning, vom bombing TMIs, head over to the palace of duuurty wonders: LiLu's pad.

The best valentine I ever got...

When PLT tagged me with the Keepsake Award, I didn't hesitate for a minute on what item I would select as my favorite keepsake. In fact, the item I've selected will probably suprise the giver of the gift more than anyone else.

The rules of the keepsake award are simple:
1. Post a funny or sweet keepsake that tells something about you.
2. Pass the award on to 10 other bloggers that you think are keepers.

Almost anyone can attest that I'm a sentimental packrat and hold onto anything of value. My favorites, of course, are the things that people have made for me. And that's why, when tasked to blog about my favorite keepsake, I immediately went to my college photobox and pulled out this.

Doesn't look like much, right? Just a roll of paper.

Here's another angle:




Getting a better idea of what this is? No, probably not. Well let me tell you.

Valentine's Day. 2004. My college roommate, Spoogy, gave me a rolled up strip of paper-- a scroll-- in lieu of a Vday card. On it, she listed her favorite things about me and our friendship. She wrote:

[Mb]- my roommie, sidekick, wife, partner-in-crime- how do I heart thee? Let me count the ways:

She went on to list 15 things that could inspire 15 individual blogworthy stories. Since I want to prevent this post from being too lengthy, I'll highlight my favorite items on the list.


12. we wear leis and pearls when and where we want

Spoogy and I were (and still are) infamous for our spontaneity and creativity when it came to dressing up in costume. Outrageous attire was not reserved for Halloween only. In our dorm room you would find leis, long string of pearls, oversized sunglasses, silly hats, and various other items for accessorizing that would be sported on the regular. Once we even went to the Starbucks on campus in prom dresses, claiming that we just came from an exclusive party. I've always appreciated Spoogy's love of randomness, and seeing this item included on the scroll of paper let me know that she thinks the same of me.

8. tambourine

Um, kay. So apparently, tambourines are my thing. I stole one for SuziQ recently, but she is not the first person to be gifted with one. One Christmas in college, I bought Spoogy a tambourine. As a musician at heart, she adored the instrument and kept it at close hand. The tambourine would come out whenever we needed a study break, pregamed, or played our favorite game...which really wasn't a game. It just involved turning up the radio and watching MTV on mute while laughing insanely as the song and music video attempted to sync up. You've never truly laughed until you've watched a rock or country music video while listening to "Country Grammar" by Nelly.

Even now, when I see the word tambourine written on that scroll, I'm reminded of how lively my life has been. I've been blessed to be an energetic and creative person who comes up with wacky gift ideas or activities that bring joy to the group as a whole.


2. you kept me after i peed on your shoes by the shuttle stop...

Yeaaah, that smells like a TMI post, right? In short (and I've mentioned this before) Spoogy is a stealth pee-r. When the girl's gotta go there is no stopping her. Whether its' in some parking lot at Dewey Beach or, in one case, on public transportation, she's gonna bust a move and release. The first time I ever witnessed Spoogy's sneaky pee habit, we were waiting for the campus shuttle to take us to our dorm freshman year. Keep that in mind. Freshman year. This means I knew her for less than one year.

We were waiting for the shuttle for what seemed like entirely too long. And unfortunately there was no bathroom available because it was late at night, and everyone knows that unlike the big apple, "D.C. sleeps alone tonight" (2 pts to anyone who can identify that reference). We tried to find a nearby spot to pop-a-squat, close enough to the shuttle so that if it pulled up we wouldn't miss it. But we were in the wide-open, too far from an alley or parked car to give us shelter. So, as any sane college student would do, Spoogy leaned up against a building and I covered her with (what I remember to be) a coat as she did her quick-business. It wasn't until after she had done the crime that I saw the pool of pee surrounding my foot. Homegirl peed on my shoes. And yet, I kept her around. Cause that's how we do. Some people have blood brothers. I have pee ponies.

I guess, what this item means is that the bonds I share with people run deep. I've said before that I'm overly caring, to a fault sometimes. But this means that if you're in my inner cirlce, I pretty much have your back for life and I'd like to think that people I surround myself who share that sentiment.

So there you have it, bbs. That's my keepsake and what it says about me. Now tag, you're it:
1. Gilahi
2. JFo
3. HeadBitingPrincess
4. Chelsea Talks Smack
5. Miss Scorpio
6. PaulBeck
7. KtMac
8. Existenceet
9. Malnurtured Snay
10. DC Princess

Artist of the Week (week 85)

Gotta love the Brooklyn born bands, no? Well I do. Mike and Kim. MGMT. These are other BK bbs I've highlighted in the past. This week, I turn to TV on the Radio. The band has seen significant airtime within the indie circuit, but I fell hard for them after hearing a remixed version of their song "Dancing Choose" in a spin class...of all places. As I cranked those pedals, they layers of beats and bops kept me pumped and moving. I recommend any TVotR remix to anyone looking to spice up their workout mixes (ahem Miss Scorpio, this might just be the perfect motivation for 5k training). Here's a remix of "Staring at the Sun."

The "reality" craze in DC has started

Would it be mildly immature or coolly mature if one were to leave a DC establishment purely on the basis that the Real World Cast arrived?

I haven't yet decided how I would handle a run-in with the RW cast and crew. If I had to guess, I would say my decision to quietly slip out of the scene versus chatting up the cast about every subject this side of the sun (like I've been known to do with strangers) would depend on my level of sobriety.

Real World: DC started filming just this past Friday and already there are hundreds of tweets and fb statuses documenting the arrival of seven eight strangers in the District. AntiRealWorldDC has done a phenom job posting regular updates, capturing the arrival of cast members at the house to the first nights out in DuPont Cirlce. The usual suspects and I discussed the possibility of running into the cast months before they even arrived. Most of us agreed that a run-in with RW is inevitable since we are out and about like regular rock stars. I went further to suggest that we would be more likely to end up on camera due to a physical altercation than a love/lust connection with a cast member. Let's be real. The DC cast is rumored to be far less sexciting than it's Vegas and Cancun counterparts. If I wanted to hang with frumpy cookie-cutter wankers I'd go to Smith Point in Georgetown (waving good-bye to the few readers I may have just offended there).

Believe it or not, I'm not a masochist. I avoid such places like the plague. So again the question begs, "Would you leave a bar/restaurant/party if the Real World crashed it?" I'm sure I'd stick around the first time or two to see the train wreck piling up, but I wonder how long until it gets old and this town gets over the RW craze.....

Your thoughts?

Slaps Only

Kimmel just sent this video out.



And I'm dying.
And watching it on repeat.

jersey shore, belly dances, and carnie rides

Ugh, Monday again? Pew.

I wasn't ready to start the work week until I opened my inbox this morning and found a photo montage from SuperDad recapping this past weekend's events. Of course, I will share with you.

I randomly (in a most super-last minute kind of way) decided to grab a late night bus on Thursday evening to spend the holiday with my fam. In tow were my roommate, the infamous Seksy Leksy, and KtMac. We grabbed a bus outta Chinatown and headed to the big apple where SuperDad agreed to pick us up. At 2 in the freakin' morning.

Early the next day, we packed the car and drove out to Sandy Hook, NJ. The beach at Sandy Hook is clean and family friendly, and thankfully it doesn't live up to the Jersey Shore stereotype. Surprisingly, the water was warmer than usual (and by warmer, I mean NOT subzero as it usually is year round) so we decided to take advantage of it and get our float on. Always the prepared one, SuperDad packed boogie boards for us. Yep, that's right. Boogie boards.

ktmac and seksy leksy catching a wave

We were really lucky to have beach-friendly weather. On two occasions, sun showers broke through but they were brief and actually quite refreshing. After an absolutely perfect day at the beach. We returned home, but not before hitting up the local Bottle King to pick up wine for the night.

Unfortunately, Zsa zsa had to work on Friday so she was unable to join us at Sandy Hook. But of course, she was more than ready to get the games going once she returned home that evening. KtMac, Seksy Leksy, Zsa zsa and I went one for one on tasty bevs, which of course led to ridiculousness such as:

Zsa zsa lecturing me on my bad life decisions, such as dying my hair awkward colors. She's not a fan of the blond. Oddly, she likes the purple pieces tho. In this photo, I believe she was actually trying to pull the blond out.

I wrapped up my locks and busted a belly dance-meets-walk like an Egyptian move for her. KtMac and Seksy Leksy can attest that my dress actually did go up and my belly did come out for a portion of the dance. Be happy that I won't subject you to those Kodak moments.

The next morning, we hit the local mall (and in NJ, a local mall is 1 of 5 malls all within a fifteen minute drive from your house) and took advantage of holidays sales. Everyone made out like bandits. Brand new Donna Ricco fitted dress for 70% off original price?? Thankyouverymuch!

After our quick shopping adventure, we suited up for a BBQ at my aunt's house. And quite literally, I mean suited up.

uncle sam zsa zsa

And you wonder where my love for costumes and dressing up comes from?

We hung by the pool, BBQ'd, and attempted dare-devil tricks on a trampoline, which for me only resulted in skinned knees and a bruised ego. Before it got too dark, KtMac, Seksy Leksy, and I drove to the nearby college campus for a mini carnival and fireworks display. I generally don't trust carnie rides. They are set up haphazardly and operated by former inmates or social rejects (ouch that was a little harsh, esp to the high schoolers working the event), so you're really putting your life in someone else's hands. But ever the risk-taker, I decided to brave a ride. And of course, Seksy Leksy seconded the motion.

We chose one ride to go on. It's the one I like to call "salt and pepper shakers" which features two steel structures standing parallel to one another. At the base of each structure is a caged compartment where riders are strapped in as they are spun in a circle--like a Ferris wheel, except you are turned upside down at the top.

Make sense? Well if not, no worries. All you need to know is that after the first few spins, we were having fun and looked like this:

but quickly morphed into this:

No bueno.

After spinning ourselves stupid, everyone headed to watch the impressive fireworks display. The explosions were synced with typical American folk songs, which only meant that we were subjected to Seksy Leksy's off-pitched rendition of "Proud to be an American" for hours to come.

Lucky for us, traffic was light on Sunday and we made it back to the district in reasonable time. Hope ya'll had a happy 4th. Next up, Labor Day scheming.

Spotted Around Town: Take 10

renegade driver, m st and massachusetts ave, nw

Everyone Loves the Light Bult

Happy Thursday, bbs. Normally I would be posting a TMI tale today. And after hanging out with Shoe and two of his male friends last night I definitely have a lot of material (male thongs and elephant shlongs, fart swallowing, Paddington bears, drunk tubing and river pooping, and Nair back hair removal). But I'm still laughing too hard to coherently type out a comprehensive post that will do their conversations justice.

I've also been dying to post the following video where my girl, SuziQ, murders the dance floor Bollywood style. Because I'll be away from the computer tomorrow (ahhh, Jersey shore; better get my new haircut), I want to get the end-of-the-week gifting out of the way. So sorry for ya'll (haters) who are deeply disappointed in my lack of TMI, but please, read on and hopefully your frown with turn upside down.

Okay, so on with it:

Earlier this week, SuziQ and I attended a fundraising happy hour. The event featured a dance troupe from the Rhythmaya School of Dance. They put on an impressive performance featuring a mix of Banghra, Bollywood and everything in between. Here's is a video of their fantastic showcase.






And here is the infamous SuziQ joining the dance troupe for a interactive dance. Please ignore my dopey commentary and see if you can hear the dance leader say, "everyone loves the light bulb."

Jai Ho, bbs. Have a safe and happy 4th of July.

**if you still need your dose of Thursday TMI, hit up LiLu's pad: the Encyclopedia Britannica of TMI.

Artist of the Week (week 84)

It's been nearly 3 years since Mos Def last stepped into the recording studio to work his talent. Lucky for us, he's dropped another impressive album "The Ecstatic" which represents something of a world tour for this musical ambassador. Looking for some French raps or Turkish beats? Check out Mos Def's latest album, and get a dose of the second single off "The Ecstatic" right here.